What I Learned From My Own Wedding

My wife and I were married in 2011, just after same sex marriage became legal in New York. We had planned a spiritual ceremony before we knew this, but were happy it worked out this way.

We invited a hundred people to stay for a few days with us in a lakeside resort in upstate New York and got married in a little chapel, arriving by boat from the lake. In truth, it was a beautiful experience.

When I am helping newly engaged couples plan their weddings, here are a few lessons from my own experience that I find myself repeating most often:

Don’t skimp on the ceremony.

People are there to celebrate with you. It is true that they also want to dance and eat cake with you. But mostly, they came to see you get married. Once we were there, with everyone gathered and feeling all the feels, time took on a different quality. Don’t rush the moment.

Ask a friend to be your point of contact on the day of.

I had a close friend who is a project manager handle All the Things. Don’t try to manage anything on the big day. Ask an organized person you trust to answer questions on your behalf about any logistical issues that come up (and bring you drinks).

Don’t be afraid of silence.

Again with the rushing! Whether it is during the toasts or during the ceremony, let people luxuriate in the sound of nothing. A meditation or even long pauses for reflection help people move into a deeper experience of the moment.

Make the tradition yours.

Before you completely jettison a tradition, or just incorporate it as is because it does not seem optional, consider how you both can adapt it to feel like yours. We thought a lot about how to enter the ceremony - we didn’t want our parents to “give us away” but we wanted a kind of procession - so we walked in together!

Take a minute afterwards.

After you exit, go somewhere private together, just for a few minutes. Hug each other before you hug anyone else. Take in what just happened. Then take a deep breath and head back out to celebrate.